Wednesday, July 3, 2013

What is this life, if full of care?

At 11:12pm on a Wed, I could find the time to do nothing and hence restore to my habit of reading. A broken back and a swollen eye came across as cherished gifts in this instance.
I was pondering, trying to make a decision: What do I do now?  Having quenched my obsession with my new Canvas, I knew it was time to give some time to myself. The very thought that landed first on my agenda was marriage! (Wonder how things and thoughts change with time!) I chose to ditch ******matrimony for a while and restored myself to my habit of reading.  I was contemplating ‘Litigators’ (pending since Dec 2011) but what could offer me a better start- than my own piece of prose and poetry. As I skimmed through my webpage, I felt I was at a terrible loss. The only question that kept ringing in and out of my mind was “Where did this go?”
My swollen eye reminded me of the days, I would just sit and gaze at the world outside and just think.  I was reminded of the joy I would derive from pouring my heart out, share my thoughts with random travelers on the web, work to bring about a change in every little possible way I could. The question I asked myself was deep and loathing “What had changed?”
The intense feeling of having each and every comfort in life, the sense of achievement at work and interests/hobbies that were really not mine formed a convincing gamut to take me away from myself. As I sit down and pen, I realize my life is now molded by HR theories that I put in practice in my day-day work. What matters to me are just my employee satisfaction and the company’s goals. While I try to align my goals to meet the company’s, I realize that I have become selfish enough to just care about 2000 odd people who will make a difference in my career. Anytime sparingly left, a quarter is dedicated in finding a soul mate just because people near and dear are/have doing/done so respectively and the other quarter is spent on watching movies or on the streets of Bangalore shopping. My dreams, thoughts and ideology are now covered by a blanket of ignorance that I consider bliss.
I was almost 15 and I I remember dad turning up late from office. I would coach and guide him on time management and prioritizing what is important to him. To which he would just smile and kiss me. Now I know ‘where did it go’
While I hope to make a conscious effort with the dawn, can’t help not recollecting these beautiful lines from W H Davies’s Leisure (Damn! my English teacher was the best teacher I had during school)


What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

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